As of Now...

What do I say when people ask how I'm doing?

Well usually my response is, "Well you have good days and bad days, but we're going to make today a good day!"

I hate telling people when I'm not doing well because...

1. I never intend to receive pity from people about what I'm going through. The worst response I've often gotten when being open and honest about not having a good day is the saddened look on peoples faces as they say, "Oh you poor thing."

2. I hate seeming weak, discouraged, or pessimistic about my situation. Because that is the opposite of what I am!

3. Some days, when things aren't going well, it is the last thing I can bring myself to talk about.

But, Honestly... I just want to be real. There are so many negatives and positives; so many ups and downs, that I've learned to not be shifted by every bump in the road. Sometimes that's just what it is, and I like to talk about it like any other situation in life. My life is so often filled with the abnormal circumstance that I cling to the feeling of normalcy sometimes.

SO with that being said, I feel an update of what has been going on the past couple of months is well overdue.

After I returned from my 3 weeks in Mexico at Hope 4 Cancer at the end of August, I had an MRI that revealed that they had found 2 more small tumors in my brain. They also found out that the tumors in the rest of my body had begun to shrink in size. I was told I needed another round of gamma knife radiation for the 2 new tumors in my brain and it was highly suggested that I resume immunotherapy. I was more than willing to receive another gamma knife treatment (partly because it is not very harmful to the body. It is essentially localized radiation to the brain that causes little damage to anything but the tumors), but I still was uneasy about returning to immunotherapy when I truly believed in the naturopathic treatments I received in Mexico and was continuing at home. So, I refused them for the time being and scheduled the gamma knife procedure. 2 weeks later, on a Wednesday morning, I went in.

And during their initial scans, thee doctors found not 2, but 30 new brain tumors. This meant that my quick procedure turned into a 5 hour ordeal. This was probably one of the hardest things I have ever had to do... To be in what is like an MRI machine for 5 hours without having the ability to move while a metal frame is screwed to your head, was emotionally and physically excruciating.

Because of all the new tumor growth, I finally gave in to returning to immunotherapy. I must admit, it was a hard surrender. Because of all the naturopathic treatments I have been doing, I have felt so healthy these past couple of months. And to give up the appearance of health and peace in my body and trade it for immunotherapy and all the symptoms that come with it was very hard for me. But my prayer is that the symptoms are not as destructive and the treatments help me heal. I have begun to experience Edema (Swelling in my Body), weakness, nausea, hair loss, severe headaches, etc. But I’m still praying for the best. It can be so hard to not focus on all the symptoms, and become discouraged by them, but I have to constantly remind myself that this is temporary and ultimately, this needs to be done to make me better. Most recently, they discovered fluid in my abdomen and lungs. When they tried to drain it, they discovered small pockets that couldn't be removed. So after an hour of being poked with a needle in my stomach, I found no relief from it. Which is very frustrating! I was so willing to go through that procedure because I knew at the end of it, things would be better. But, I may have to wait a little longer to find that relief.

I had a two month period of health and happiness. No hospital visits, no pain, etc. it was like a break from all the madness. It was almost as if that time was preparing me to attack this again.

And speaking of attacking this... lately it has become harder and harder to find the motivation to kick this in the butt. There are times when I just dream of the days I didn't have this thing constantly looming over my head. Times when I just wish this could all be over. There is worry and uncertainty. There is guilt for dragging everyone around me through all of this. I know God's going to heal me, but sometimes I just ask God, "when?? ". It is so easy to feel as if God is not answering my prayers. But I have to remember that God has promised me healing. That I will not die, but live, to tell what the Lord has done! Ultimately I don't care how long I have to wait; it could be tomorrow, it could be a year from now. Regardless, I'll wait on God until that day comes.