One Year Ago

Graduation May, 2018

My medical report from June 28, 2018: Brain MRI shows multiple intracranial enhancing lesions. The largest measuring up to 1 cm. Suspicious for metastasis. Later that day... Chest: shows at least 10 lung and airway metastases of varying size. Liver: Innumerable (over 30) hypo-attenuating (measures over 15 mm) metastases. Bones and soft tissue: degenerative changes in the spine.

In that moment, dumbfounded confusion hit. This moment was unreal. It was incomparable to any bad news I’d ever heard before. About myself or someone else. I knew that I could either choose fear, or choose faith. I chose faith. I chose to trust God.

As time has gone on, there has been hard days where the road ahead of me seem daunting and the realities that I face seem to stop me dead in my tracks. And on those days, faith doesn’t seem so easy. But, at the end of the day, throughout this journey God has proven himself to me time and time again. Through the small blessing, the miracles He’s done in my health, and the overwhelming security He has given me in Him.

This time of reflection over this past year got me thinking. There were so many things that I wish I would have known. That would have changed my actions and thought process. If I could go back in time and tell something to the McKennah that had yet to be so deeply affected by cancer this is what I would tell her:

Appreciate Your Parents

I was your typical high schooler. It just wasn’t a thought in my mind to value my time with my family. Throughout this past year my parents have become my caretakers. They have supported me at a time when most parents are letting go of their children as they start their own lives independent from them. Instead my parents stood by my side. Sacrificed so much of what they thought their future might look like and gave it up for long nights in hospital rooms, doctors appointments, traveling for treatment. Not to mention the financial sacrifice they have made. Now I look back and laugh at the old McKennah that would have passed up a family dinner for a night out with her friends. I'd say to her, “McKennah, don’t you know they would give up everything for you?” There is most definitely a place for an appreciation for your friends, but let me tell you; I’ve had so many “friends,” let me down. But my parents? Never once have left me. They have completely and wholeheartedly supported me. Whether it be long nights of holding my hand while I lay in a hospital bed. Or buying me the best quality supplements to support my health. They’ve been there.

Bouncing Back

It’s so important to learn how to bounce back after life gets tough. In order to avoid ending up unhealthy and unhappy in your life, you have to get rid of suppressed emotions that seem to pile up after dealing with the storms of life. If you're angry or sad, deal with that anger and sadness. Work through it. Give it to God. And release it. One of my biggest issues towards the end of my senior year was that I didn’t know how to properly deal with all these negative emotions. So I wound up suppressing them and holding on to my pain. But to my 18 year old self I would say, "The hurt and the circumstances that gripped you while you are young don’t have to define who you are or what you will become in your future." Bounce back! You can do it. It is possible.

Love Yourself

18 year old McKennah, don’t you know that you are fearfully and wonderfully made? You see. The way that people view you is not who you are. When you’re in high school it can be so hard to see past the way people define you and perceive you. But do you know who you are? You are loved by God. You may see yourself as damaged, insecure, or unsure of yourself. But ya know what? God sees you with such potential, love, and hope! When your sins are forgiven by God, you are no longer bound by those mistakes in your past and the Bible says, “Our sins are cast as far as the east is from the west,” (Psalms 103:12) So why are you still so worried about who they think you are? That’s not you any longer and you are no longer under those names and labels that people have given you. You are free to live up to all that you are and all you can be in Christ. Throughout this year, I’ve begun to see myself as forgiven and redeemed.

Comprehend Loss

I remember one night during high school, crying on the floor of my closet because I felt as if I had lost everything important to me. And granted, I was going through a lot. In reality I had not lost everything. I still had my health, a future, friends, family, the ability to work, the list is endless. I had not yet truly experienced loss. I could not yet comprehend losing so much of my life. Now, after losing so much of those things, I have learned to deeply appreciate everything I do have so much more! After facing death, I almost chuckle at the problems and stresses that I had back then. I wish I could have seen outside myself a little more and saved myself from so much stress and frustration by simply reminding myself that although my feelings and emotions were valid, things could be so much worse. That these problems are small in comparison to what I could be going through. I wish I could have comprehended what true loss really looked like.

That Leads Me to: Appreciation...

Nobody wakes up and thinks to themselves, “Man, I sure hope my liver functions today!” Because that is something (in the life of the average person) that operates automatically. In contrast, it may be easier to appreciate the objects around us because we make a conscious choice to use them each day. For example, we can appreciate modern technology every time we pick up our phone because we are making a conscious decision to use it. But, there are things like our health that most of us are born with. So, we don’t appreciate them until they aren’t there anymore.

But, after losing my health, I wake up on my good days and thank God with as much gratitude as I have that I’m not waking up in a hospital bed. I thank God that I have the gift of movement in my body. I thank God for the gift of sight. I thank God that He’s blessed me with another day that my body will provide me to keep on living! Because I’ve almost had those things taken from me multiple times.

Choose to Draw Closer to God

Right now is your time to decide the type of relationship with God you're going to have. As you start life begin to make choices that bring you closer to God. Not separate you from Him. Sin and compromise lead to a separation from God. Right now you are beginning to choose what you are going to allow in your life and what you aren’t. Independent from the way your parents chose to live their lives, you must make your own choice. Personally, I chose to draw closer to God than anything. The Bible says, “be in this world but not of it.” Throughout this year I have become very conscious about what parts of the world I let in my life. Because I don’t want ANY selfish desires or sinful natures to separate me or drive a wedge in between me and my God. Because we belong as close to Him as we can possibly get! That’s where He wants us and there is no place that I would rather be. I cannot imagine going through this while halfheartedly serving God. I could not make it.

Remember: Be Open to All God has for You...

If you would have told me a year ago that I would have to give up any future I thought I would have and trade it for stage IV Melanoma with mets in my brain, liver, lungs, lymph nodes, bones, and thigh muscle. For 2 brain surgeries, months of on and off hospital stays, 5 rounds of gamma knife radiation, immunotherapy, endless supplements and medications. As well as monthly MRI’s, PET scans, CT scans. For restless nights and days full of fatigue, a constant struggle with nausea and vomiting, endless migraines that affect your sight and your hearing, along with so much more.

If 18 year old McKennah knew that she would be a light for mother’s that have lost their babies to miscarriages, individuals with depression, other cancer patients, and those struggling with life’s circumstances and disappointments, she never would have believed that. She never would have been open to that possibility.

But as I look back, I have no idea where I would be or what I would be doing without this experience of cancer. Because although I have this thing inside me that is hurting me, it has also given me the urgency to live how God has called me to live. It has presented the choice to say "yes" to God at every corner and be open to all that God has for me.

You may see your life going in a certain direction, or have a certain vision of what you want your life to look like, but maybe, just maybe, God has something better! Keep in mind, this might not look pretty. It might not look like the house with the white picket fence. With the window above the sink that as you cook dinner, you can glance out and see your children playing in the yard. With the big oak door that gives a little creek as your husband tramples in after a long day of work. It might not look like that house; but, the beautiful life God has for you could quite possibly could be disguised behind your hurt. Whether it be the loss of a loved one, constant financial struggles, feelings of failure, living in a broken home, loneliness, discouragement, or stress. It might be disguised behind something in life like...cancer.

We must realize that beyond our disappointment lies a beautiful life that God has intended for us to lead. Because as Christians, our lives are fulfilled by God's forgiveness, grace, and joy! So maybe your house is riddled with chipped paint and cracked floors. Maybe the yard is overgrown with weeds and dirt patches. But below the surface lies a strong and steady foundation, that will remain in Christ regardless of the missing shingles and leaking faucets.

You see my friends, I may never have the life I always wanted...but, I know that God has something much better for me too! Because if God doesn't heal me on earth, I have my healing in heaven! When I get to spend eternity with Jesus. I have no reason to be disappointed with that ending because it is the most beautiful ending of all. And until then, I live with the hope that someday, "God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain." (Revelation 21:4)

And if eternity in Heaven is not what God has for me quite yet, I know that the life He has planned for me is far greater than any life I could have dreamt up for myself. Even if it is full of struggling and battling cancer.

So, 18 year old, freshly graduated McKennah, remember to be open to all that God has for your life! Because it might just surprise you!